Remarriage: another stigma
“The birds that live i’ th’ field
On the wild benefit of nature, live
Happier than we; for they may choose their mates,
And carol their sweet pleasures to the spring” — The Duchess of Malfi (3.5.18-21).
Last week I discussed how divorced females are looked down upon in our society due to an obvious expectation that they are supposed to remain in marriage till the end of their lives, whether or not that marriage is happy. It is generally believed that a divorced woman damages her own as well as her family’s prestige. This in turn lowers the prospects of marriage of her younger sisters into good families. Society tries to suppress women’s rights by giving such issues a ‘religious’ twist. Unfortunately, women themselves fall prey to this by playing right into society’s hands and becoming a party to their own subjugation. The roles of women as essentially mothers and guardians of tradition are aimed at keeping women in chains, away from the limelight and taking a solid part in the development of society and the world at large. Despite the growing trend of educating females, the tunnel vision on the role of a woman remains unchanged.
The very word ‘woman’ itself is traceable to and derived from the word ‘woe’, meaning misery, grief, sorrow, misfortune, etc. ‘Woe-man’ finally changed to woman and it appears as if a woman in our society has to continuously face woes. In Pakistan, women face a lot of discrimination, especially in the case of marriage. If a girl’s engagement breaks, the blame is laid on her. Also, the approach towards women’s divorce and remarriage is still what it was 1,400 years ago in pre-Islamic Arabia.
It should be realised that marriage is a social contract, albeit sacred, but a contract nonetheless. Therefore, it is not irrevocable. Divorce is permitted in cases where it is impossible to keep the marriage intact within the boundaries set by Allah. Remarriage is allowed, even encouraged. Islam attaches no stigma to remarriage of a female — a divorcee or a widow. When a woman gets divorced (whether out of her own choice or her husband’s), she is entitled to remarry another man after a period of three months (iddat). The same rule applies to a widow. She is allowed to marry anytime after four months and ten days of her husband’s death.
However, there are many social problems related to remarriage of a woman. Our society looks down upon a woman who decides to remarry. If a woman gets divorced or becomes a widow, she is expected to live a life of celibacy. Unlike some other religions that consider celibacy a great virtue, Islam considers marriage to be one of the most virtuous institutions. The concept of a widow not remarrying has come from living with Hindus for hundreds of years. It is not a religious factor, only a cultural one.
The reason why society looks down on a divorced woman getting married again has a lot to do with the patriarchal thinking imbued in our minds. We take it as a ‘dishonourable’ thing if a woman remarries, when in actuality it is no more than a natural (or necessary) thing to do. We can find many cases of divorced women marrying again, who had to face the wrath of society. Here are a few examples from real life to illustrate the point.
One might face the family’s wrath as in the case of *Asma who remarried a few years after her divorce with the consent of her father who knew that none of her brothers would take care of her after his death. Her whole family was against the remarriage, as it would bring ‘disgrace’ to them. After the remarriage, her entire family boycotted her. Even her own father was forced by her siblings never to meet her again. It has been almost ten years; still no one but her children from the first marriage meet her.
There are also other cases where hostility towards a woman’s remarriage is shown through different means. A couple of years ago, the Lahore High Court granted interim bail to a woman named Naseem Akhtar of Sabzazar, who claimed to have remarried after the expiry of the iddat period, but was still booked in a Hudood case. She said she had lived with her brother since her former husband Ijaz Hassan divorced her two years ago, but her brother also kicked her out of the house. She said she had no other choice except to marry again. This had annoyed her brother and he implicated her in a fake case. Such cases are not unheard of in Pakistan.
Another case is that of *Fareeha who got married when she was 20 years old. Her husband turned out to be impotent. She got a divorce. Now she is expected to stay unmarried her whole life. The question is, why? Was it her fault that her husband turned out to be the way he did? Why should she spend the rest of her life as a single woman?
(*Names have been changed to protect privacy).
In a society where it is considered ‘honourable’ to cut off your blood bonds just to save face, in a society where a woman’s own family (or in some cases, her ex-husband) file a fake case against her to get revenge, in a society where a 20-year old girl is expected to remain unmarried after a divorce that was not even her own fault, the future looks bleak. Why make a woman feel guilty when she is only doing something natural? Why victimise her just because she is treading the right path?
So much emphasis has been laid on a woman being a virgin when she gets married that for our men, it is hard to accept a wife who would not be a virgin (in the case of divorced women and widows). The success rate of a marriage does not increase significantly based on the virginity status of any spouse. Why does society lay so much stress on a woman’s virginity when a man might have lost his own virginity a long time before his marriage? The psychology of men in patriarchal societies has more to do with male ego. They want a ‘pure’ wife, someone who has never been touched before. They prize virginity, and it is something like ‘not preferring a second hand thing to something new’. But it must be understood that virginity is not a prerequisite for a happy marriage. Also, as Islam allows polygamy, if a man can keep four wives at one time, why cannot a woman remarry? When a man has no problem marrying again even if he is already married, why does he seek virginity in his partners, when he is not one himself. If this is not a double standard, then what is? Such discrimination breeds hate and injustice, something that is unhealthy for society. It should be left to the choice of the woman whether she would rather stay single or get married again; society is no one to decide.
A society that binds women to stay single after tragedies such as divorce or widowhood will create unhealthy females. If these women have children from their previous marriages, those children would then be affected by their mother’s depression. Also, this would not only bring about unhealthy females, but practising and preaching injustice to the future generations by following double standards in itself is extremely harmful to society. Such double standards would manifest themselves in various ways in the chauvinistic trends already prevalent in present society. Changing this chauvinistic attitude would help develop humanity in people. The chauvinists accept women only on the basis that they are in fact lesser beings. Our society is built around the patriarchal family and its enshrinement of these masculine and feminine roles. It is a society where one’s biological sex determines what one does and how one does it, where men are privileged and women mere adjuncts of men and objects for their use, both sexually and otherwise.
The only way to change this trend is to make everyone aware of equality and encourage practices that are in tune with humanity. We must all light a candle in the darkness that envelops our society, for no one else will come and do it for us. We have to get out of these deep recesses of darkness ourselves, and we surely can.
On the wild benefit of nature, live
Happier than we; for they may choose their mates,
And carol their sweet pleasures to the spring” — The Duchess of Malfi (3.5.18-21).
Last week I discussed how divorced females are looked down upon in our society due to an obvious expectation that they are supposed to remain in marriage till the end of their lives, whether or not that marriage is happy. It is generally believed that a divorced woman damages her own as well as her family’s prestige. This in turn lowers the prospects of marriage of her younger sisters into good families. Society tries to suppress women’s rights by giving such issues a ‘religious’ twist. Unfortunately, women themselves fall prey to this by playing right into society’s hands and becoming a party to their own subjugation. The roles of women as essentially mothers and guardians of tradition are aimed at keeping women in chains, away from the limelight and taking a solid part in the development of society and the world at large. Despite the growing trend of educating females, the tunnel vision on the role of a woman remains unchanged.
The very word ‘woman’ itself is traceable to and derived from the word ‘woe’, meaning misery, grief, sorrow, misfortune, etc. ‘Woe-man’ finally changed to woman and it appears as if a woman in our society has to continuously face woes. In Pakistan, women face a lot of discrimination, especially in the case of marriage. If a girl’s engagement breaks, the blame is laid on her. Also, the approach towards women’s divorce and remarriage is still what it was 1,400 years ago in pre-Islamic Arabia.
It should be realised that marriage is a social contract, albeit sacred, but a contract nonetheless. Therefore, it is not irrevocable. Divorce is permitted in cases where it is impossible to keep the marriage intact within the boundaries set by Allah. Remarriage is allowed, even encouraged. Islam attaches no stigma to remarriage of a female — a divorcee or a widow. When a woman gets divorced (whether out of her own choice or her husband’s), she is entitled to remarry another man after a period of three months (iddat). The same rule applies to a widow. She is allowed to marry anytime after four months and ten days of her husband’s death.
However, there are many social problems related to remarriage of a woman. Our society looks down upon a woman who decides to remarry. If a woman gets divorced or becomes a widow, she is expected to live a life of celibacy. Unlike some other religions that consider celibacy a great virtue, Islam considers marriage to be one of the most virtuous institutions. The concept of a widow not remarrying has come from living with Hindus for hundreds of years. It is not a religious factor, only a cultural one.
The reason why society looks down on a divorced woman getting married again has a lot to do with the patriarchal thinking imbued in our minds. We take it as a ‘dishonourable’ thing if a woman remarries, when in actuality it is no more than a natural (or necessary) thing to do. We can find many cases of divorced women marrying again, who had to face the wrath of society. Here are a few examples from real life to illustrate the point.
One might face the family’s wrath as in the case of *Asma who remarried a few years after her divorce with the consent of her father who knew that none of her brothers would take care of her after his death. Her whole family was against the remarriage, as it would bring ‘disgrace’ to them. After the remarriage, her entire family boycotted her. Even her own father was forced by her siblings never to meet her again. It has been almost ten years; still no one but her children from the first marriage meet her.
There are also other cases where hostility towards a woman’s remarriage is shown through different means. A couple of years ago, the Lahore High Court granted interim bail to a woman named Naseem Akhtar of Sabzazar, who claimed to have remarried after the expiry of the iddat period, but was still booked in a Hudood case. She said she had lived with her brother since her former husband Ijaz Hassan divorced her two years ago, but her brother also kicked her out of the house. She said she had no other choice except to marry again. This had annoyed her brother and he implicated her in a fake case. Such cases are not unheard of in Pakistan.
Another case is that of *Fareeha who got married when she was 20 years old. Her husband turned out to be impotent. She got a divorce. Now she is expected to stay unmarried her whole life. The question is, why? Was it her fault that her husband turned out to be the way he did? Why should she spend the rest of her life as a single woman?
(*Names have been changed to protect privacy).
In a society where it is considered ‘honourable’ to cut off your blood bonds just to save face, in a society where a woman’s own family (or in some cases, her ex-husband) file a fake case against her to get revenge, in a society where a 20-year old girl is expected to remain unmarried after a divorce that was not even her own fault, the future looks bleak. Why make a woman feel guilty when she is only doing something natural? Why victimise her just because she is treading the right path?
So much emphasis has been laid on a woman being a virgin when she gets married that for our men, it is hard to accept a wife who would not be a virgin (in the case of divorced women and widows). The success rate of a marriage does not increase significantly based on the virginity status of any spouse. Why does society lay so much stress on a woman’s virginity when a man might have lost his own virginity a long time before his marriage? The psychology of men in patriarchal societies has more to do with male ego. They want a ‘pure’ wife, someone who has never been touched before. They prize virginity, and it is something like ‘not preferring a second hand thing to something new’. But it must be understood that virginity is not a prerequisite for a happy marriage. Also, as Islam allows polygamy, if a man can keep four wives at one time, why cannot a woman remarry? When a man has no problem marrying again even if he is already married, why does he seek virginity in his partners, when he is not one himself. If this is not a double standard, then what is? Such discrimination breeds hate and injustice, something that is unhealthy for society. It should be left to the choice of the woman whether she would rather stay single or get married again; society is no one to decide.
A society that binds women to stay single after tragedies such as divorce or widowhood will create unhealthy females. If these women have children from their previous marriages, those children would then be affected by their mother’s depression. Also, this would not only bring about unhealthy females, but practising and preaching injustice to the future generations by following double standards in itself is extremely harmful to society. Such double standards would manifest themselves in various ways in the chauvinistic trends already prevalent in present society. Changing this chauvinistic attitude would help develop humanity in people. The chauvinists accept women only on the basis that they are in fact lesser beings. Our society is built around the patriarchal family and its enshrinement of these masculine and feminine roles. It is a society where one’s biological sex determines what one does and how one does it, where men are privileged and women mere adjuncts of men and objects for their use, both sexually and otherwise.
The only way to change this trend is to make everyone aware of equality and encourage practices that are in tune with humanity. We must all light a candle in the darkness that envelops our society, for no one else will come and do it for us. We have to get out of these deep recesses of darkness ourselves, and we surely can.
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Regards
Komal Ashraf