Marriage or fanfare?
“By Allah, it is not poverty that I fear upon you, but I fear that the world (materialistic things) will be spread before you as it was spread before the nations that preceded you, and you will compete with one another (resulting) in the world (materialistic things) destroying you as it destroyed them” — hadith of Prophet Mohammad (PBUH).
Pakistan is a country where the cultural heritage and traditions reflect centuries old patriarchy. The males dominate every field and do not give any public space to women, be it cultural or religious. Wherever the religion suits them, they apply it but when the religion talks about giving rights to women, most of the males cling to the cultural values that obviously support them instead of the women folk. Marriage is one such subject where traditional customs are espoused instead of following the religious ones.
The Islamic wedding procedure is extremely simple and favours both the bride and groom. It makes it easy for both the male and the female to bear the expenses and is quite practical too. But we have chosen to forget about the Islamic procedure and have made it difficult to get married.
The Islamic wedding procedure is simple:
"A Nikkah is performed with a proposal (Iejaab) by the male or female and acceptance (Qubool) by the male or female in the past tense and in the presence of two male Muslim witnesses (Hidaaya, Vol. 2).
It is Sunnat that the marriage be announced and performed in the Masjid [mosque] and the bride be represented by her Mahram (father, brother, etc.). The bride gives consent to her representative (Wakeel) in the presence of two witnesses to perform her marriage at the Masjid. At the Masjid, the Wakeel represents the bride in the presence of the two witnesses. The witnesses must be two trustworthy and pious male Muslims who are not her ascendants, e.g. father, grandfather, or descendants, e.g. son, grandson, etc. The Mahr (dower) is the woman’s right and should be stipulated prior to the marriage.
There is nothing wrong in inviting one’s close associates for the occasion of Nikkah. However, no special pains should be taken in gathering people from far off places. It is Sunnat for the bridegroom’s family to celebrate Walima. In Walima, whatever is easily available should be fed to the people and care should be taken that there is no extravagance, show and that no debts are incurred in the process" – askimam.com.
Extravagant spending on wedding functions and vulgar displays of wealth have become a norm in today’s Pakistan. Gone are the days when a simple Nikkah ceremony and rukhsati (sending away of the bride) took place. There are countless functions, from Milaad to Maayun, from Mehndi to Baraat and then Walima. Not only have the number of ceremonies increased, so has the expenditure. Everyone is in competition nowadays to outdo others and one way of doing it is to show off at the weddings. From buying outrageously expensive designer dresses (lehngas and ghararas) for the bride to an ostentatious display of expensive jewellery; from hiring wedding planners to spending lavishly at the weddings to giving huge dowry, all these have become the hallmark of the upper class. Dowry and ostentation have become synonymous with weddings all across Pakistan. This in turn puts more burden on the poor people or the middle class.
Our clerics, who are forever ready to issue fatwas on what is halal (allowed) and what is haram (prohibited), should play their part and guide the masses that such marriage extravaganza and dowry is not allowed in Islam. When it comes to labelling the practices of other sects wrong, these clerics are the first ones to give long sermons on the issue, but when the issue at hand is of such grave importance, they show their indifference.
It is unfortunate that a female child is unwelcome and is considered a burden for the parents in this part of the world. The cultural heritage that has plagued our society for many centuries and has been adopted as an institution is that of dowry (Jahez). The custom of dowry dates back to Greco-Roman times, but it now appears to have a stranglehold over South Asia. In India, the practice of a woman giving a dowry to a man at the time of her marriage is said to have had its origins in the system of streedhan (woman’s share of parental wealth given to her at the time of her marriage). But what started as an inheritance gift has now led to greed. This Hindu custom permeated into the Muslim community as well due to the close proximity we lived in before partition.
In order to lure marriage proposals, a girl’s parents are forced to offer lucrative dowry. The bride’s family gives dowry of money, household goods, jewellery or land. Those who cannot afford to give dowry are forced to take loans on high interest rates in order to fulfil the demands of the groom’s side. Then there is the added pressure of accommodating the large number of guests and arranging their meals, which should be lavish. Even if the wedding goes off well, the bride’s family is forced to spend their remaining life in repaying the loans. How difficult it must be for those parents with meagre incomes who have more than one daughter.
The unlucky women who fail to fulfil the dowry demands of their in-laws are often tortured, mentally and physically, and in some cases even killed, especially by using the infamous “stove burning” tactic among others.
Due to the increasing number of dowry deaths, dowry has been prohibited in India. It has a Dowry Prohibition Act of 1961 that was later amended into the Dowry Prohibition (Amendment) Act (1984, 1986), which makes the giving and taking of dowry “as a condition of marriage” punishable by law. Pakistan needs to implement such a law as well, but there should be a proper legislative team that would make sure the law is implemented and not violated. Simply enacting a law will not achieve the objective, as corruption is rampant in our legal system. Such a law can increase corruption as was seen after the one-dish meal bill was passed and how the officers were bribed to look the other way during the wedding functions. It might even give rise to offering dowry secretly.
Women in Pakistan are brought up with a mindset that they have to be married off, which is why they are considered a burden since they are never trained to support themselves. Women without financial independence will always remain hostage to whoever supports them – whether husband or father. Even if women do work, for most of them work is just for fun and not for career building and such thinking makes them unwilling to put as much effort into work as men do. Neither are their parents willing to invest more in their education, as they do in their male child. It is this mindset that we must try to eradicate, which can only be done through proper education and awareness campaigns. Women are not a burden and they should not be brought up as such. If they become self-sufficient, they would neither be a burden on their parents nor their husbands.
Instead of spending so lavishly on weddings, if some cash is given to the bride and groom by their respective families, it would help them build a secure future. The amount of money wasted can even be given to charities or utilised for other better causes. Only if we stop these useless cultural traditions would we be able to embark on a journey of development. We must break free from these chains of ignorance.
Pakistan is a country where the cultural heritage and traditions reflect centuries old patriarchy. The males dominate every field and do not give any public space to women, be it cultural or religious. Wherever the religion suits them, they apply it but when the religion talks about giving rights to women, most of the males cling to the cultural values that obviously support them instead of the women folk. Marriage is one such subject where traditional customs are espoused instead of following the religious ones.
The Islamic wedding procedure is extremely simple and favours both the bride and groom. It makes it easy for both the male and the female to bear the expenses and is quite practical too. But we have chosen to forget about the Islamic procedure and have made it difficult to get married.
The Islamic wedding procedure is simple:
"A Nikkah is performed with a proposal (Iejaab) by the male or female and acceptance (Qubool) by the male or female in the past tense and in the presence of two male Muslim witnesses (Hidaaya, Vol. 2).
It is Sunnat that the marriage be announced and performed in the Masjid [mosque] and the bride be represented by her Mahram (father, brother, etc.). The bride gives consent to her representative (Wakeel) in the presence of two witnesses to perform her marriage at the Masjid. At the Masjid, the Wakeel represents the bride in the presence of the two witnesses. The witnesses must be two trustworthy and pious male Muslims who are not her ascendants, e.g. father, grandfather, or descendants, e.g. son, grandson, etc. The Mahr (dower) is the woman’s right and should be stipulated prior to the marriage.
There is nothing wrong in inviting one’s close associates for the occasion of Nikkah. However, no special pains should be taken in gathering people from far off places. It is Sunnat for the bridegroom’s family to celebrate Walima. In Walima, whatever is easily available should be fed to the people and care should be taken that there is no extravagance, show and that no debts are incurred in the process" – askimam.com.
Extravagant spending on wedding functions and vulgar displays of wealth have become a norm in today’s Pakistan. Gone are the days when a simple Nikkah ceremony and rukhsati (sending away of the bride) took place. There are countless functions, from Milaad to Maayun, from Mehndi to Baraat and then Walima. Not only have the number of ceremonies increased, so has the expenditure. Everyone is in competition nowadays to outdo others and one way of doing it is to show off at the weddings. From buying outrageously expensive designer dresses (lehngas and ghararas) for the bride to an ostentatious display of expensive jewellery; from hiring wedding planners to spending lavishly at the weddings to giving huge dowry, all these have become the hallmark of the upper class. Dowry and ostentation have become synonymous with weddings all across Pakistan. This in turn puts more burden on the poor people or the middle class.
Our clerics, who are forever ready to issue fatwas on what is halal (allowed) and what is haram (prohibited), should play their part and guide the masses that such marriage extravaganza and dowry is not allowed in Islam. When it comes to labelling the practices of other sects wrong, these clerics are the first ones to give long sermons on the issue, but when the issue at hand is of such grave importance, they show their indifference.
It is unfortunate that a female child is unwelcome and is considered a burden for the parents in this part of the world. The cultural heritage that has plagued our society for many centuries and has been adopted as an institution is that of dowry (Jahez). The custom of dowry dates back to Greco-Roman times, but it now appears to have a stranglehold over South Asia. In India, the practice of a woman giving a dowry to a man at the time of her marriage is said to have had its origins in the system of streedhan (woman’s share of parental wealth given to her at the time of her marriage). But what started as an inheritance gift has now led to greed. This Hindu custom permeated into the Muslim community as well due to the close proximity we lived in before partition.
In order to lure marriage proposals, a girl’s parents are forced to offer lucrative dowry. The bride’s family gives dowry of money, household goods, jewellery or land. Those who cannot afford to give dowry are forced to take loans on high interest rates in order to fulfil the demands of the groom’s side. Then there is the added pressure of accommodating the large number of guests and arranging their meals, which should be lavish. Even if the wedding goes off well, the bride’s family is forced to spend their remaining life in repaying the loans. How difficult it must be for those parents with meagre incomes who have more than one daughter.
The unlucky women who fail to fulfil the dowry demands of their in-laws are often tortured, mentally and physically, and in some cases even killed, especially by using the infamous “stove burning” tactic among others.
Due to the increasing number of dowry deaths, dowry has been prohibited in India. It has a Dowry Prohibition Act of 1961 that was later amended into the Dowry Prohibition (Amendment) Act (1984, 1986), which makes the giving and taking of dowry “as a condition of marriage” punishable by law. Pakistan needs to implement such a law as well, but there should be a proper legislative team that would make sure the law is implemented and not violated. Simply enacting a law will not achieve the objective, as corruption is rampant in our legal system. Such a law can increase corruption as was seen after the one-dish meal bill was passed and how the officers were bribed to look the other way during the wedding functions. It might even give rise to offering dowry secretly.
Women in Pakistan are brought up with a mindset that they have to be married off, which is why they are considered a burden since they are never trained to support themselves. Women without financial independence will always remain hostage to whoever supports them – whether husband or father. Even if women do work, for most of them work is just for fun and not for career building and such thinking makes them unwilling to put as much effort into work as men do. Neither are their parents willing to invest more in their education, as they do in their male child. It is this mindset that we must try to eradicate, which can only be done through proper education and awareness campaigns. Women are not a burden and they should not be brought up as such. If they become self-sufficient, they would neither be a burden on their parents nor their husbands.
Instead of spending so lavishly on weddings, if some cash is given to the bride and groom by their respective families, it would help them build a secure future. The amount of money wasted can even be given to charities or utilised for other better causes. Only if we stop these useless cultural traditions would we be able to embark on a journey of development. We must break free from these chains of ignorance.
Comments
You mean it permeated, that is, it appeared where it wasn't earlier? Rather, to me, it seems Muslims just never gave up all the Hindu stuff they were supposed to when they converted.
And, the article is well-written, and your ideas are really laudable.