Pakistan’s new national game

In the past week we have seen quite a flurry of activity on the sports front in Pakistan. First there was the whole cricket controversy where we saw the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) dishing out all sorts of lifetime and-years-long bans, levying heavy fines on players and what have you. Then the huffing and puffing stopped and the PCB backtracked on the lifetime ban issue. An official statement by the PCB said, “Some media channels have interpreted the first recommendation of the inquiry committee regarding Mohammad Yousuf and Younis Khan as being a life ban on these two players from playing for Pakistan. The PCB wishes to clarify that the recommendation of the Committee is not a life ban on these cricketers. As and when the PCB deems appropriate, these players will be considered for selection for the national team.” Phew, a sigh of relief there because this would have been too great a penalty for Mullah Yousuf (oops, I meant Muhammad Yousuf) and Younis (needs anger management classes) Khan (remember how he beat up a ‘fan’ at a domestic game recently?).

As if this whole cricket mess was not enough, lo and behold there was more to come. Now it was time for our national game, hockey – yes it is hockey and not cricket, which is what the younger generation thinks – to come into the limelight. First we ended up getting the top position from the losing end at the Hockey World Cup (the Pakistan hockey team ended up 12th out of 12 positions). Then the team management and selection committee was sacked by Pakistan Hockey Federation (PHF) President Qasim Zia. And then the climax of the hockey debacle came with the entire hockey team’s resignation. Brilliant! Pakistan once ruled the sports world. Our squash players were world class, our hockey team was a force to reckon with and our cricket team made us proud many a time. Now, sadly, there is nothing left in sports for Pakistanis to be proud of. The future of sports is bleak. Sigh.

But just when we thought that the future of sports had ended, in came this ‘breaking news’ on Pakistan’s number one news channel, ‘Jihad News’: “Jihad has been declared the new national game of Pakistan!” The detailed news report said that the Ministry of Sports, which has been hijacked by the likes of Jamshed Dasti, has passed a decree that in view of the current sports crisis, it has been decided that to boost the morale of the general public we should have something that we excel in as our national game. The obvious answer was jihad!

As soon as this (heart)breaking news had been aired, our very favourite anchor, Mr Kaam-Khraab Khan (KK), took over to discuss this matter of national importance.

KK: “Naazreen, it gives me great pleasure to announce, aaaaaaa, thattttt, aaaaaa, our government has done something good for the very first time. I am sure that, aaaaa, the government has reached this decision by listening to the views of our team here at Jihad News. We have been propagating forever that jihad is the best game in the world and since Pakistan excels at it, jihad should be declared our national game. Mercifully, the powers that be have heard our heartfelt pleas. Let’s talk to Taliban Khan, former cricketer and now a great proponent of the jihadi players, i.e. the Taliban.

Taliban Khan: Kaam-Khraab, I cannot tell you how happy I am. I cannot control myself. I feel like jumping from my window and announcing to the whole world that I was right. I am always right! You mark my words KK, this is all because of the azaad adliya [independent judiciary]. We do not need immoral persons like Zardari as our president. We want the moral police of the Taliban to rule us. They are so innocent and sweet. I am from the north, so I know how gullible these people are. I have been pleading their case for so many years that I have gone hoarse and…

KK: Horse? Ghorra? Khan sahib, what are you saying?

Taliban Khan: Hoarse KK, angrezi wala hoarse.

KK: That is what I am asking. Horse?!!

Taliban Khan: Oh KK, listen to me, forget about horse/hoarse. It does not matter. What matters is that I will be the next prime minister of Pakistan. I have been dreaming of this day for years now. I have had so many facelifts and hair transplants just for this day! I will rule this country and I would again like to reiterate that it is all because of the azaad adliya!

KK: But the judiciary had nothing to do with this decision.

Taliban Khan: KK I am leaving. You do not listen to me at all. I will teach you a lesson when I come to power. I always keep grudges. You shall see!

KK: But Khan sahib, aaaaa…aaaa…naazreen I am sorry but Mr Khan has left our studios. Let’s now talk to the jihadi press-walah.

Jihadi press-walah: Thank you KK. I have been writing on this issue for years now; my hair has gone all grey and my brain has become dead. Well, almost. I will go and offer en masse nawaafil with my fellow jihadi press-walahs. We will now get rid of all those liberal and progressive journalists who have been turning the masses against us by their un-Islamic writings. We will now turn Pakistan into an Islamic Republic!

KK: Err, umm, but Pakistan is already an Islamic Republic, is it not?!

Jihadi press-walah: Well, you see KK, I was talking about the Taliban’s Islamic Republic. We will name it Talibanistan!

KK: Thank you very much for being with us Jihadi ji. Now it is time to bid adieu. Ladies and gentlemen, keep watching Jihad News. Next up is ‘Jaahil Online’. Allah Hafiz. Talibanistan zindabad!

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