Divorce: a taboo
A family friend gave birth to her fifth daughter (she does not have any sons), and the whole family — including her other four daughters — kept crying for days. This is the usual welcome a female child receives at her birth.
The discrimination starts at birth and then it continues throughout her life. Forced marriages are a norm — a girl has to say yes to the man chosen by her parents or else suffer further humiliation at the hands of her family and society. If she has fallen in love with another man, lo and behold, she has committed one of the gravest crimes of all time! And the parents try to remedy it not by offering her hand in marriage to the man she loves, but forces another man on her. Such is the fate of most females in this country. In Islam, a female has the right to accept or reject marriage proposals. Her consent is a prerequisite to the validity of the marital contract, according to the Prophet’s (PBUH) teachings.
Marriages without consent sometimes end up in divorce. Although there is a low divorce rate in Pakistan and many think it is because of the religious factor, in actuality it has a lot to do with culture. Women feel that it is better to stay in an unhappy marriage rather than opt out of it, as society shuns divorced females. Ours is a society that refuses to accept that the divorce could have taken place because the ‘man’ was wrong. The typical response to a divorce is, “Oh, she must have done something wrong.” But what this society does not realise is that remaining in an unhappy marriage is more detrimental than divorcing — not just for the couple, but also their children.
“Psychologist John Gottman, author of The Relationship Cure, observed 50 couples and their babies and found that the babies of unhappy marriages showed a markedly lower capacity for joy, concentration and self-soothing (when crying or upset, the ability to soothe one’s self without parental intervention)…Gottman observed that when unhappily married couples played with their children, they didn’t smile as much. These couples were not in sync and tended to exclude each other.
The effect of their disharmony on the babies was even more striking. The babies showed accelerated heart rate even though the parents were not arguing or fighting at the time. How the tension between the parents is communicated to a tiny infant at a physical level is not yet scientifically understood.
In another study involving children of 3-4 years of age, whose parents exhibited hostility towards each other, Gottman found that those children carried higher levels of stress hormones as evaluated from their frequent urine samples. Those children were indeed ‘stressed out’ by parental conflict” — ‘Happy Marriages, Happy Children’, Vijai P. Sharma, Ph.D.
Divorce is the last resort, permissible but not encouraged, for Islam esteems the individual’s right — male and female alike — to felicity. Islam discourages divorce, but it is allowed when it is the better of two bad roads. Forcing the partners to stick together in an unhappy marriage only worsens a relationship. Islam has given females the right to choose and the right to leave. Islam has offered the Muslim woman the right to seek a divorce. A Muslim woman can ask for divorce on the basis of cruelty of the husband, desertion without reason, a husband not fulfilling his conjugal responsibilities, etc. She can end the marriage through khula (file for divorce). She is not supposed to bind herself to a recalcitrant spouse. If the husband delegates the right to divorce to his wife at the time of marriage under clause 18 of the marriage contract, she can initiate divorce proceedings herself.
The problem with our society is that the husbands or families of the woman do not allow her to file for divorce. If a woman seeks divorce, she is either threatened by her husband or her own family. In many cases, the threats are executed as well. In other cases, if there are no threats, still the woman faces a lot of hostility from society after the divorce. There have been several cases where women were threatened, abused verbally or physically, even murdered so that they could be stopped from getting a divorce and ‘disgracing’ the family.
One such high-profile case was reported a few years ago. Jazbah.org reports, “In 1999, Asma [Jahangir] and her sister, Hina Jilani, a fellow lawyer and activist, were subject to death threats after representing Samia Sarwar, a 32 year old woman who was seeking a divorce from her abusive husband. Samia had turned to her family for help but they had refused to help her attain a divorce. When Samia continued to seek a divorce, Samia’s family had her murdered in broad daylight in the law offices of Asma and Hina. Apparently, the family believed that Samia’s actions were dishonourable to the family” — ‘Asma Jahangir’, by Laila Kazmi.
Samia’s actions were considered ‘dishonourable’, while killing her was ‘honourable’. If this is the criterion for ‘honour’ in this society, then no wonder we are buried deep in a pit of darkness. In Pakistani society, the entity of women is that of inferior beings, both intellectually and socially. Her main raison d’etre is to sacrifice her being for others. She is treated as chattel, ‘given’ or ‘acquired’ through arranged marriages to spend her life in the service of a male-dominated social system. If she tries to break free of her chains, she is made an outcast.
A female divorcee is looked at with contempt. She is made to feel as if she has done something horribly wrong by doing away with social norms. Divorce is not only considered a stigma, but it becomes an unbearable burden for the divorcee. *Naila, a mother of four grownup children, got divorced at the age of 35. The decision to get a divorce was mutual. But the attitude of her parents and siblings changed towards her drastically, what to mention of her other relatives. There was a social boycott of her as she lived in a small community where all her friends were her husband’s family friends. Her own relatives started visiting her parent’s house less often, in order to avoid meeting her. Her parents thought of her as a social disgrace, taunting her with how she has tainted their name in their old age by getting a divorce. “In a few years time, your daughters would’ve reached the age of marriage, now you have ruined all their chances of getting married in to good families,” were the words she had to listen to every day. She was ordered not to set foot outside the house, unless it was absolutely necessary. Her every move was being watched by her parents. Even if she talked to her children, her mother eavesdropped on her conversation through the other extension. Her relatives sneered at her, while her siblings either pitied her or blamed her for all their troubles. (*Name has been changed for privacy reasons).
This is not an extreme case; in fact this is the usual way a divorced woman is treated — with suspicion, mockery, anger and pity. She is treated as less than a normal human being. Such an attitude is not only harmful for the woman, but for society too. It creates an unhealthy atmosphere, where women are unable to exercise their freedom of choice. Our society must learn that human dignity is beyond sexual differences, and beyond manliness and feminism there is humanism. We should help emancipate women instead of subjugating them. A society can never develop if one half of it does not feel secure, protected, respected and free. Society will prosper only if equality and humanism prevail.
The discrimination starts at birth and then it continues throughout her life. Forced marriages are a norm — a girl has to say yes to the man chosen by her parents or else suffer further humiliation at the hands of her family and society. If she has fallen in love with another man, lo and behold, she has committed one of the gravest crimes of all time! And the parents try to remedy it not by offering her hand in marriage to the man she loves, but forces another man on her. Such is the fate of most females in this country. In Islam, a female has the right to accept or reject marriage proposals. Her consent is a prerequisite to the validity of the marital contract, according to the Prophet’s (PBUH) teachings.
Marriages without consent sometimes end up in divorce. Although there is a low divorce rate in Pakistan and many think it is because of the religious factor, in actuality it has a lot to do with culture. Women feel that it is better to stay in an unhappy marriage rather than opt out of it, as society shuns divorced females. Ours is a society that refuses to accept that the divorce could have taken place because the ‘man’ was wrong. The typical response to a divorce is, “Oh, she must have done something wrong.” But what this society does not realise is that remaining in an unhappy marriage is more detrimental than divorcing — not just for the couple, but also their children.
“Psychologist John Gottman, author of The Relationship Cure, observed 50 couples and their babies and found that the babies of unhappy marriages showed a markedly lower capacity for joy, concentration and self-soothing (when crying or upset, the ability to soothe one’s self without parental intervention)…Gottman observed that when unhappily married couples played with their children, they didn’t smile as much. These couples were not in sync and tended to exclude each other.
The effect of their disharmony on the babies was even more striking. The babies showed accelerated heart rate even though the parents were not arguing or fighting at the time. How the tension between the parents is communicated to a tiny infant at a physical level is not yet scientifically understood.
In another study involving children of 3-4 years of age, whose parents exhibited hostility towards each other, Gottman found that those children carried higher levels of stress hormones as evaluated from their frequent urine samples. Those children were indeed ‘stressed out’ by parental conflict” — ‘Happy Marriages, Happy Children’, Vijai P. Sharma, Ph.D.
Divorce is the last resort, permissible but not encouraged, for Islam esteems the individual’s right — male and female alike — to felicity. Islam discourages divorce, but it is allowed when it is the better of two bad roads. Forcing the partners to stick together in an unhappy marriage only worsens a relationship. Islam has given females the right to choose and the right to leave. Islam has offered the Muslim woman the right to seek a divorce. A Muslim woman can ask for divorce on the basis of cruelty of the husband, desertion without reason, a husband not fulfilling his conjugal responsibilities, etc. She can end the marriage through khula (file for divorce). She is not supposed to bind herself to a recalcitrant spouse. If the husband delegates the right to divorce to his wife at the time of marriage under clause 18 of the marriage contract, she can initiate divorce proceedings herself.
The problem with our society is that the husbands or families of the woman do not allow her to file for divorce. If a woman seeks divorce, she is either threatened by her husband or her own family. In many cases, the threats are executed as well. In other cases, if there are no threats, still the woman faces a lot of hostility from society after the divorce. There have been several cases where women were threatened, abused verbally or physically, even murdered so that they could be stopped from getting a divorce and ‘disgracing’ the family.
One such high-profile case was reported a few years ago. Jazbah.org reports, “In 1999, Asma [Jahangir] and her sister, Hina Jilani, a fellow lawyer and activist, were subject to death threats after representing Samia Sarwar, a 32 year old woman who was seeking a divorce from her abusive husband. Samia had turned to her family for help but they had refused to help her attain a divorce. When Samia continued to seek a divorce, Samia’s family had her murdered in broad daylight in the law offices of Asma and Hina. Apparently, the family believed that Samia’s actions were dishonourable to the family” — ‘Asma Jahangir’, by Laila Kazmi.
Samia’s actions were considered ‘dishonourable’, while killing her was ‘honourable’. If this is the criterion for ‘honour’ in this society, then no wonder we are buried deep in a pit of darkness. In Pakistani society, the entity of women is that of inferior beings, both intellectually and socially. Her main raison d’etre is to sacrifice her being for others. She is treated as chattel, ‘given’ or ‘acquired’ through arranged marriages to spend her life in the service of a male-dominated social system. If she tries to break free of her chains, she is made an outcast.
A female divorcee is looked at with contempt. She is made to feel as if she has done something horribly wrong by doing away with social norms. Divorce is not only considered a stigma, but it becomes an unbearable burden for the divorcee. *Naila, a mother of four grownup children, got divorced at the age of 35. The decision to get a divorce was mutual. But the attitude of her parents and siblings changed towards her drastically, what to mention of her other relatives. There was a social boycott of her as she lived in a small community where all her friends were her husband’s family friends. Her own relatives started visiting her parent’s house less often, in order to avoid meeting her. Her parents thought of her as a social disgrace, taunting her with how she has tainted their name in their old age by getting a divorce. “In a few years time, your daughters would’ve reached the age of marriage, now you have ruined all their chances of getting married in to good families,” were the words she had to listen to every day. She was ordered not to set foot outside the house, unless it was absolutely necessary. Her every move was being watched by her parents. Even if she talked to her children, her mother eavesdropped on her conversation through the other extension. Her relatives sneered at her, while her siblings either pitied her or blamed her for all their troubles. (*Name has been changed for privacy reasons).
This is not an extreme case; in fact this is the usual way a divorced woman is treated — with suspicion, mockery, anger and pity. She is treated as less than a normal human being. Such an attitude is not only harmful for the woman, but for society too. It creates an unhealthy atmosphere, where women are unable to exercise their freedom of choice. Our society must learn that human dignity is beyond sexual differences, and beyond manliness and feminism there is humanism. We should help emancipate women instead of subjugating them. A society can never develop if one half of it does not feel secure, protected, respected and free. Society will prosper only if equality and humanism prevail.
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